Sunday, September 26, 2004

Deutsches and Pikeys a match made in hell.

As has been well documented by me and other duds throughout this age of blogging, Pikeys (on behalf of fpoole and any other American viewers: a pikey is the British version of the red neck and looks like one of those idiots you see in inner city areas. You know, the twats who listen to rap and try to copy 50 cent and wear hoods all the time) are the scourge of this land. What’s prompted me to start to blog about these fools. Well let me tell you a tale; Twas Friday night, the end of the school week and me and my other chums wanted to celebrate in the right way. This started with a nice trip to the cinema where we saw Hero. It wasn’t too bad although you see the same story 3 different ways (its mostly flashbacks). We then headed back to my house where we had an Indian, this too was a pleasant experience although it took ages to arrive. After this things started to get a wee bit messed up, me my friend matt and my other friend nick (tom had gone home for he had to baby-sit) went to meet some lady friends and a 21 year old chap in the railway which is a local pub. This wasn’t the problem par say, the problem was as soon as we arrived these people said they were cold (we were sitting in the beer garden as we were all underage although matt and nick can get away with it (IN SPITE OF THE FACT IM OLDER THAN THEM BOTH). We then left and bought some drink from an off license but were then faced with the problem of where to consume said drink. One of the girls suggested a local place called Blake’s park. This I knew was not a good idea, as did matt. Not only that though we had been constantly warned that this was a prime place for pikeys to hang out (my friend lives across the road from here and claims all night he can only hear pikeys making a racket). Needless to say I was totally against the idea and stopped walking towards it whilst the others went on ahead. At this point I was thinking to myself, “ there is no way I’m going in there. I could get stabbed and they’d have an easy fighting advantage over me if I’m drunk” Sadly we bent into peer pressure and went in. I was uncomfortable the whole time and knew we were getting drunk in the worst place possible. Soon enough 3 or 4 pikeys walked into the park and asked for a can of strongbow. We didn’t say a straight no but we weren’t interested in just giving them a drink. I mean do you just give some stranger a drink if he asks for it normally so why now. Anyway one of this arseholes friends told him to hurry up and he went away but they weren’t that far away. By this time I knew that I had been right and looked to matt to leave but unfortunately he was a bit drunk and unable to hear me properly and everyone went silent suddenly so I decided to shut up lest I be labelled a coward (in retrospect this was probably a bad idea). Soon enough this mouthy moron was back and he started saying in the most chavvy way ever (chav is another term for pikey) “my god there are some buff chicks here what’s your names” I think in all honesty this twat was really looking for a woman but was ignoring the fact he was pig ugly and being an idiot (lets put it this way if I were a girl I would probably punch him for being so pretentious) anyway these girls we were with, lied about their names and the fact they were single to get this twat to go away which he did. By now I was completely on edge and wanted to skid addle as soon as possible. We soon made to leave but then the real trouble started the same pikeys returned hoods up and asked for a pound. Matt gave them £1 to try and appease them which seemed to work. I on the other hand thought that I should to but knew that would mean getting my wallet out which they would probably steal so I jingled in my pocket a bit and walked away very quickly. Everyone else got past them, or so it seemed. Suddenly as me and matt walked away from the scene I suddenly heard nick shout “ OI GIVE ME A HAND HERE) What had happened as we’d been hurrying away is that these bastards had cornered nick and had nicked (no pun intended) his wallet and phone! The funny ( I'm really stretching the meaning of the word here) part was that as soon as me and matt turned back in preparation to fight these fools ran off as fast as they could what cowards! They were being matched one to one by me matt and nick and this other guy and they couldn’t even handle that!. Anyway we walked away from the scene and me and matt with some smugness shouted “for gods sake we warned you guys didn’t we and now you see what happens!” we then started to head home. Me and matt proceeded to get drunk on our own at my house which sort of made the evening a bit better but we were still cross and were now shouting “STRING UP THE PIKEYS” at the tops of our voices which my brother (who has never been drunk ergo cannot handle its greatness) found very amusing. I’m still cross about the incident for two reasons. Firstly because I’d made it very clear that going there would be trouble. Secondly because of the principle; Why cant we just kill these pikey bastards instead of making up laws to protect them like not allowing the police to arrest them on the streets. Why cant these fools just try to be nice instead of stealing things just because they want them, hell its not like their poor either. Stealing to subsist is understandable but stealing for the sake of it or to do it to intimidate people is just unacceptable. The fact that I have to fear these people when I go onto the street is an awful existence and it can sometimes be for such trivial matters. Its not uncommon for a pikey to approach menacingly and say “what you looking at bruv” If I wasn’t fearful for my safety I would reply “I’m not looking at anything actually! Why don’t you get a life instead of trying to create a reputation of fear” and then give him a hefty kick in the balls. The fact also that these fools can only install fear by being heavily guarded by about 10 well built friends. These people are always the small leary ones, like the ones we see at school. It’s a sick and twisted world really and i swear revenge upon my friends and will one day terminate (or davinate) all Pikeys!

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Deutsches returns to blog another day (today)

What up homies! (that’s twatish for hello there)
I felt it was high time for a blog so I sat down with a cuppa tea then the dish ran away with the spoon so I couldn’t stir it and the tea evaporated before my very eyes (that got ye paying attention there)
School has been surprisingly easy going for me so far, all me lessons have not been too taxing but I fear that they may sooner or later when we are made to work “really hard” as our school sixth form booklet tries to scare us into working our socks off. Education aside I’ve noticed a distinct change in the social structure of my life now, which is taking some getting used to. Firstly there’s the subject of girls. I haven’t got a problem with them at all in fact I welcome them to our schools with open arms (I better stop that here before any female readers, if any, get angry at me and find out where I live and give me a slap for being cheeky), But I’ve just found it interested to see so many of the boys who I’ve known and liked or despised for the last six years go all strange or change their social patterns due to the addition of girls to our school. Take one of my groups of friends (the duds are one circle of my friends and to be fair the duds are friends with my other friends although not as much as before for various reasons) now one of my friends in this group called Tom has an uncanny ability to talk to anyone about anything (an example of this is that I was in Bromley the other day and he asked some cashier in WH Smiths what his favourite song was) and has managed to attract a few girls to our group of friends, the interesting thing is that people who used to hang around with this group infrequently have now started to hang around with them more for the afore mentioned reason. I find it a tad annoying as it make things crowded and means I can’t keep up with the thread of any conversations as I seem to get stuck on the edge of this increasingly large group. Its not fair I want to make some more female friends, I’ve seriously got to get out of this mindset of only talking to males.
Aside from that I was annoyed to find that two of the girls who have joined our school turn out to be from my past class and one I hated with a passion. I will elaborate on my past a bit (purely because I'm a nostalgic kinda guy). I went to a primary school called “Pickhurst” about 6 years ago. John also attended here so this is probably the main reason we are friends. The funny thing was at the time we were enemies and were in different classes but that’s another story. In my class there was two people I particularly didn’t like: One went by the name of Emily Poole but I haven’t seen her since, and God willing never again so lets just close the chapter on that one. The second and the reason I’m writing at this point went by the name of Laura Messenger, I was irritated to find a couple of days of returning to school that I managed to recognise she who I had disliked. Why do I dislike her? Well firstly she’s one of the most stuck up and was likely at the time that I knew her to say “I’m sooooo Smart and am better than you go away you insect”. Plus she never used to lend me stationary items I needed even if desperate: here's a transcript of an event from year 4 (8 years ago) that I will write as best as I can remember (which is something in itself I guess)
Me: Laura I’ve really messed up this work can I borrow an ink eraser (this was probably the first time I’d ever used one of these new fangled contraptions (well new at the time)
Laura: No!
Me: Why not! I really need to use it! Come on!
Laura: No! why should I lend it to you!
Me: That’s a stupid question I just said
Laura: Oh all right fine! Here use it!
(I proceed to use the ink eraser to rub out my mistakes then correct them, then as I sometimes do I make a mistake in the correction so not knowing that you couldn’t erase permanent ink I try to erase that Laura who had been watching this whole time notices what I’m doing)
Me: What?
Laura: Give me that back! You can forget borrowing my stuff again!
Me: Why what did I do?!
(At this point one of the other girls on my desk, I can’t remember who exactly, helpfully points out my error)
Me: I’m really sorry I didn’t know you weren’t supposed to do that.
Laura: Idiot!

See what I mean totally evil. I mean life is for making small mistakes and just because I damaged one of her precious ink erasers (she had many other too) she treated me like a fool. I wasn’t the only person this class who disliked her either, for the same or similar reason many of the people I’ve asked have given a similar reaction.
Well I’m tired after all that so one more little rant.
As has been documented much by Baz Fool (Paul) Leonard has a blog. Now to describe this pain in the arse on legs one would use the words AARGH!, UGLY, THAT SMELLS, PISS OFF and YOU SUCK!. He can be referred to as all of these things. Well anyway that being said I’m gonna rest a bit. Egads that was a long one (Fnaaa Fnaa)
See ya later Dudes, Dudettes (if any) AND Duds and any benders out there (Paul)

Monday, September 13, 2004

Deutsches forces his own nose against the grindstone

Well today marked the first day back to school for me and the beginning of sixth form. This is like no other year like i've had during my education because i've opted to go back to school and study which gives me no room for complaint which is rather a pity. Still its nice to be treated as a human being by the teachers who are aware of this sacrafice of free time and I get nine Free periods (HA IN YOUR FACE YOU FOOLS WHO CHOSE MATHS AND HAVE ONE MORE LESSON THAN ME!) but unfortunatly two of those glorious periods will be used up, one for General studies, and one for games which will also be a hell of a lot better as we choose what we want to play and are no longer forced to play evil sports like Rugby (which is relativly fun if its not cold and wet so I won't moan too much but I still appriciate the choice element). Things promise to get quite heavy in my four chosen subjects which are: Film studies Psychology, History and English language. Ive already had one lesson of each and they all seem quite good but this is before the teachers start setting ghastly amounts of homework which will probably involve lots of essays and that. For example i've been told that I will probably have to do one essay for psychology a week and will do lots of history and film essays too. Still there are perks which include frequent school trips to london to go to the cinema (and then go shopping afterwards because my teacher likes shopping) We also will have a trip to new york in february for the same subject which is nice too.
In psychology we can bring in anything (including videos) to do with the subject so that the class can view and discuss them. Ergo I'm now going to scower the TV guides for any psychological programmes so that I can use up some class time whilst learning (muahahaha there is no down side).
History also proves to be good as I have the two best history teachers who are both interesting and make the lessons interesting but sadly this almost certainly means i'll probably get the most boring history teacher next year (who can make most people feel very sleepy very easily).
I was a little bit worried by how unsteady my hand has become with a pen which have put down to lack of writing for over 10 weeks.
Finally I am in the same form as Baz now so that'll make my time in form a little bit more interesting.
Oh well things could go great I suppose I have to remain positive.

Sunday, September 12, 2004

Time has run out for Deutsches

Thats right chums every good thing has to end, and tommorow signals the end of the longest summer holiday i've had to date. 12 weeks in total! (sorta counting my study leave).
I'm sad about it purly because it means that I will have to wake up at 7 in the morning again, during this holiday so far I have been waking up at nine at a rather leisurly pace but now I will have to literally jump out of bed and then go into the shower (which speeds up the waking process but is no match for a comfy warm bed). Not only that I will need to actually work again and probably quite hard if my sixth form booklet is to be believed, as one ex-student quoted, "You really have to work now, the GCSE's were pretty much spoon fed to us".
I think that the school is trying to scare us personally and make us think "OH MY GOD!!! PANIC!!!! WORK!! FAILURE CERTAIN!!!!!!! MUST WORK OR FAIL!!!!!!!"
I personally think that we're just going to be expected to study our chosen courses very in depth and if you consider i'm only learning four subjects now (excluding general studies) thats not going to be too bad. I'm going to continue looking at this in a positive way lest I fall into depression.
The thing that will annoy me though will be the fact that the media in this country keep making out that the A levels are too easy hence the fact that so people pass. I disagree and think that the style of the exams have changed or the quality of education is better maybe people are just smarter now!
I must admit I will miss the London trips we Duds should really keep going on them even if its at the weekend, then again there isnt much for us to do now as we've seen most of london now.
I just wonder how much free time i'll have though considering I need to get a job as well!

Thursday, September 09, 2004

The bears and the elephants and penguins have disappeared I would say some bad things are on the horizon.

How do fair reader(s) as those who are more eagle eyed (or have been reading this blog since it began about 6 months ago (don't quote me on that) may have noticed I have now included a picture of myself so I am no longer a faceless moaner. It also gives you a chance to see how evil I can look and why I am a force to be reakoned with (its all a load of bullshit I know).

That aside, Yesterday me and some of the Duds (Lewis/Nonneasuch didn't go for some reason which we have put down as he wanted to spend the day sparring with his friend Otis in preparation for Ju Jitsu that evening(yes he is named after a much loved TV aardvark those of you who live in England and are about my age).

Me Rob and Stewart/Dickybod met John on the train at West Wickham and we then proceeded to meet Baz and Dave/Teradud on the Train. When we arrived at Charing Cross station I finally met Sarah Stewies girlfriend, she seemed quite nice though I didn't speak to her too much throughout the day.
We then got a tube to Camden Town (NO NOT THE COCKNEYS!) This meant we passed through the infamous and long closed Mornington crescent tube station.
Image Hosted by
as you can see Rob found this rather exiting.

We then arrived at Camden and walked rather heasitanly through too the zoo past many cockney market sellers (it was soo scary).
When we arrived at the zoo we first of all headed to the Aquarium as it was adjacent to the entrance.
Image Hosted by
As you can see here I found a rather funny named Fish called a "Chub" my god he must get teased at school (geddit!)

I we then soon left the aquarium (I personally was disappointed there were no Octopi they are soo cool)
We then saw the bear enclosure and were sure we were going to see a hairy bear but alas they had scarpered we then saw a helicopter flying low over the man made mountain for the bears and then we knew what was happening. THE BEARS HAD STOLEN THE HELICOPTER AND WERE FORMULATING A PLAN TO OVERTHROW MANKIND!!!!!
Image Hosted by
But while we were there I took a nice group photo so generations to come will remember us.

We then had lunch and I managed to get my coke (THE DRINK NOT THE DRUG!) all over me leaving a faint but rather embarrassing looking stain in the worst place possible (I'll let you use your imagination)
We then found the elephants are gone too (DAMN YOU BEARS SIDING WITH THE ELEPHANTS!)
We then went to see some Bugs in the bugs enclosure (bugs in the bugs enclosure well I never.
Image Hosted by
Here Jon and Rob share a special moment that Rob rather enjoyed.

Image Hosted by
Here I see my greatest dream realized. AN ARMY OF CLONED ME'S! BE AFRAID FOOLS WHO STAND IN MY WAY!

We then went to find some interesting creatures and we found some two humped camels some goats, cows and some pigs and were surprised and disappointed to find the penguin's were too gone and realized they were in league with those evil bears!
We then saw half of a rather entertaining animal demonstration. There we saw a macaw of sometype which could crack a Brazil nut in its beak (IF THE BEARS SIDE WITH HIM WE COULD BE FINISHED) then we saw an eagle owl which can fly silently and is supposedly very deadly and then a lemur which jumped around a lot and I was hoping would accidently miss its target and would crash into John as he was sitting very close to where this furry fiend was jumping but alas it wasn't to be.
We then went to see the coolest creatures on earth THE MONKEYS!
Image Hosted by
We see here this specimen is mooning me.

Image Hosted by
This is a rather lazy gorilla who didn't really do much.

We then decided to head to hamleys
Image Hosted by
but on the way we found AN ORANGE LETTER BOX!

We then went to Hamleys the greatest toy shop in this land. It has everything
Image Hosted by
See what I mean, Hagrid was a tough one to fight off meanwhile rob decided to take out Harry just in case.

I was then forced to promply leave hamleys as I had to get to Beckenham to meet with my other friends who were going to see the Terminal.
It was quite a good film which shows you how some jobsworthy beaureacratic Americans can be totally without any human compassion but that aside It had been a good day and I don't have many chances to do that again soon sadly (DAMN YOU SCHOOL!)

Monday, September 06, 2004

Deutsches has but a week of freedom left!

Well that's the sad truth people, I have one week before I need to start school again, I've had about 12 weeks off and its almost time to start work again. I'm not dreading this fact too much this year as I enter sixth form, I see it as an opportunity plus there will be much more freedom, as I will have study periods and be allowed off site etc. I think that should be good, I do appreciate the fact that there will be a lot more work but I know as long as I organise myself well like I have in the past it shouldn't affect my life too much.

With that thought in mind, It occurs to me that I should probably get a job so that I can have a bit more cash to hand, my coffer's are a bit low after the long summer (and I have had little or no financial reward for my pretty impressive results)

I do wonder how I'm going to cope with the increased work load from school and the prospect of working some time at the weekend and on some evenings. Oh well at least my sixth form is mixed now.

I must admit I have struggled with the fact that prior to this year I have been in a boys only school and I have to also admit its made it harder to talk to girls my age although I have made some friends out of school but I still find it difficult to have a conversation. Its strange really if I look back to primary school to when I was able to talk to girls with no problem. (maybe I'm just that sad)

Oh well that'll be a problem of the past soon I reakon, and I won't be such a sad fool hopefully too.

For those who are interested or who are bored and need something more to read here is a copy of my results from the BBC interactive personality test.

Your answers suggest you are a Nurturer
The four aspects that make up this personality type are:
Summary of Nurturers
Care for the important people in their lives
Strive for harmony and avoid confrontation
Think of themselves as gentle, conscientious, and mature
May have trouble making decisions that could hurt others
More about Nurturers
Nurturers are quiet people who believe in order and diligently look after the people they care about. They focus on the needs of others and establish routines to help them meet their commitments.
Nurturers remember details that are important to them, such as their friends' birthdays and anniversaries.
People with this personality type value others' feelings and may challenge behaviour they think is insensitive.
In situations where they can't use their talents or are unappreciated, Nurturers may feel bitter and seek support by complaining to their colleagues. Under extreme stress, Nurturers may become preoccupied with the worst possible outcome and believe that they are heading for disaster.
Because they are so caring and loyal, Nurturers run the risk of being taken advantage of.
Nurturer Careers
Nurturers are often drawn to jobs that allow them to help others.

well there you have it

Sunday, September 05, 2004

Dave's Back from the Land of Frogs snails and where the men have yet to discover deodorant!!!!

Yes indeed readers, I'm back from a holiday I was forced to go on. Well in true Dave style I'm going to have a little moan about my week. All started badly when me and my family purposely arrived 3 hours too early to the terminal in folkestone in hope of catching an earlier train to Calais. That it turned out was not possible without paying a large fee, so my Dad being the tightwad that he is declined and we were forced to wait in the terminal for 3 whole hours. The terminal for those who've never seen it consists of a meager amount of shops and a small food court, you seriously do not want to wait there for that amount of time.

Well soon we arrived in frogland and set of down the French motorway for 5 HOURS! I was entrusted with the responsibility of map reader that I found quite ridiculous considering I was hellbent on not going! Insulting almost, as if I owed the trip something, as if this was a privilege for me! How absurd. We also got lost twice thanks to poor directions given to us by the family we were going to meet there.

This family is the Family of my Dads best friend. It consists of my Dads best friend his Wife and their 3 children. 1 girl (17) 2 boys (13 and 10).
Most of the time I'm fine with them but their second born son, who's is near enough my brothers age, is a attention seeker of the highest degree and can turn most situations against me and cause me to fall into desperate depression if I spend too much time with him. (some may think I'm being harsh but I'm not! My dad says the same thing) The problem is he teams up with my brother to form an unbearable duo that is enough to send me into insanity. Add to the fact I was already depressed when we arrived at the house too so what chance did I have (which was infact better than I had First Imagined)

To sum up the rest of the trip we went Kyaking on Thursday (which turned out to be the highlight of the trip) and then relaxed on the beach for the rest of the day in which time I dug a massive hole (WHICH HAD TO BE FILLED INCASE SOME FOOL FELL IN IT! LET THEM FALL IN FOR ALL I CARE!).
On Friday We were going to go sand surfing but there wasn't enough wind so we went back to the same beach and sat there all Day. The next day I spent traveling and arrived back this morning.

So was it worth it I hear you ask...
well in a word no! It wasn't

Positives about the trip:
Digging huge holes
Good Food
Pond with Row boat in back garden
Good Weather (meh we could've had that here!)

Annoying company
French people
French language
Missing out on freedom back home
missing out on London back home
missing out on working on my super secret plan back home
The French countryside smells bad (I did actually drive through a town that smelled strongly of onions)
Long journey
Being forced to be the map reader
Having to sleep on the floor
having to endure my Dads snoring.
Waiting ages for service at a restaurant and being told its ok because that's their culture

Well what would you think eh.. If ye went on it.

See you later chums and chumettes reading this