Saturday, February 21, 2009

Notorius C.H.A.V.

I went to the Cardiff Vue the other day to see Notorious. Ok, people could have a pop at me for my choice of film, but I thoroughly enjoyed it so I couldn’t care less what people think.

The viewing however was marred by an infestation of chavvy little cock-ends who could not keep their mouths shut. I’d caught a glimpse of these pathetic specimens in the ticket queue, and judging from the content of the film I knew they were going to be in the same movie as me.

It was just too obvious considering these little wannabe rappers (just a note that rappers actually have a fairly well defined grasp of language, something which was long abandoned by the chavs in question, who seemed to be trying out a poor Tim Westwood impression at their most coherent) seemed to be trying to live up to a flimsy image of being “gangsta” with their baseball caps, jogging gear (it goes without sayin they look like they’ve been living in those clothes for weeks now, do rappers actually dress like they’re wearing pajamas? I don’t think so), and pithy attempts at bling, which looked like the result of stealing the caps off of the neighbours milk bottles. The sad thing about all this was the cockish swagger that they had about them, as they clearly believed they looked, and were the dog’s testes. I know most people will realise that they are wrong, but clearly no one has told them.

I have dealt with these kinds of people before. Where I come from (near Croydon) is famed for this. I have seen the middle class kids who talk a good fight, but would piss their pants if faced with any of the violence they craved, well that is unless they are backed up with a Croo (posse, and squad also are names of swarms of wiggers) of about 20 and weapons, but then who couldn’t when facing down one or two other people. Most of the time they seem to strut about, generally being mischevious and foul mouthed for attention, and most people are unwilling to face them due to the moral panic around knife-crime.

Anyway as the film was starting, I and my fellow audience were treated with drama both on and off screen. Indeed it wasn’t long before, our viewing was interrupted by one of the little prats talking loudly. I heard much of this conversation quite clearly as a result and it went something like this:

“yo Blad, what iz yoo looking at”
“nothin’ bredrin’ shut yo mouth”
“yoo better not be otherwise I will stab yoo” and so forth

The fact that they have so much to prove that they threaten each other with knives, (or maybe the whole knife crime issue is just something idly thrown about by the youth) suggests a lack of confidence and brain cells in equal measures. So they threaten their friend with a good stabbing, and then what? Are they so dense that they think they’d sit down with a beer later in life and laugh about it? Do they really think it will solve their problems?

I was very tempted to tell the cunts to keep it down and then introduce them to some real violence should this request be ignored. However, I thought better of it, considering the tone of the conversation had turned to weapons once, and I was lacking in maiming instruments. If there was any justice in the world I would at least have been allowed to draw a sword on the chav and run his slanty baseball cap through as a warning.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Fashion Nazi's

Last Sunday I surprised myself as I found myself sitting down to watch the Devil wears Prada for the first hour of the film.

It may come as little surprise to hear that, I wouldn’t normally consider myself a connoisseur of ‘chick flicks’ and I suppose this film slides into that category. However, it’s slightly more accessible to a man, than most chick flicks I have taken the time (approx 4 minutes where masculinity kicks in and I need to down a pint of beer, punch a wall, laugh like an oafish moron at bodily function and even in rare cases talk about football, as it becomes necessary to distance myself as far as possible from the nonsense I am witnessing on screen) to watch.

The film actually wasn’t that bad, as I survived an hour before I decided to do something else. The one thing that did strike me was the horrors of working in the fashion industry. I have always despised images of this trade, as it strikes me as a narcissistic, bitter and self serving collective. I realise of course I have never experience the fashion world first-hand, (god willing I never will) and that the film and TV portrayals (like Ugly Betty, which actually made me want to vomit out of my eyes and ears so I didn’t have to watch it any more) are likely to be caricatures of the real world experience.

However, I think the mentalities shown in this sum up what is wrong with a contingent of society I like to refer to as fashion Nazis. I think everyone has met one of these ‘Fazis’ (as I like to call them), and the characteristics are unmistakable. Their looks will vary greatly, but some characteristics are unmistakeable and that is that is they have a perchant for designer labels, expensive hairstyles (often of avant-garde or spiky in style if particularly unconventional), and their unconventional dress senses (one need only watch the advert for Grazia to know what I mean).

Now there is nothing wrong with wearing nice clothes, but when these people who worship fashion believe that their own farts are inoffensive, and that in their world dressing down is a crime worse than paedophilia then I have to disagree with that world. These people are often also despicable bastards. They live by the logic that they are always right and that rudeness is excusable if they are right. So naturally they are rude most of the time. These people also never think what they are wearing is stupid, and there they are often wrong, but of course paradoxically they can’t be because they will never accept that truth. That is because they excuse their anti-social behaviour with obnoxiousness, and as many of you will agree that is not really an excuse that is ignorance.

I think there is only one solution, and that is that if they wish to be rude because they think that they pointing out something that might upset someone is doing them a favour then they should accept the consequence. Perhaps the old punch in the face may suffice, which is simple and effective as it may draw blood and ruin their apparel, and hilarity ensues. A second option could be to simply nod with a smile, and pull out a vile of acid and drench them in the solution, which is a more costly and elaborate prank, but is also effective as it will ruin their clothing and a hilarious comment about their “acid wit” can be made. My personal favourite is to find a collection of like-minded people, find a fazi and then use the power of majority to insult their clothing, and watch their heads explode. If you don’t like any of these there’s still good old tar and feathers or telling them to go fuck themselves, for what little impact it will have on their psyche.

Saturday, February 07, 2009

Driving a hard bargain

I took a small shopping trip to our local Tesco extra superstore (which is a behemoth of a shop where you can buy almost anything imaginable), a part of my studently routine in which I become acutely aware of how expensive living in your own home actually is. However, that’s beside the point as it was here that I noticed that Tesco’s seemed to have a surprising amount of 2 for 1’s, price-cuts and discount brands, certainly more than usual.

This got me wondering, firstly is this case the same with all supermarkets? And Secondly how come they’ve suddenly upped the ante, considering January (the most miserable month of the year for many) is now over. I have a feeling that what with all the bad news in the economy at the moment, the supermarkets are trying to go to any lengths to get the customers into the shops, after all they are still posting healthy profit margins for the most part. The whole trick seems to be, to get the customer to buy more than they planned to. I certainly felt this pull towards buying some items, purely on the whim that it’s cheap and it would mean I have something extra or special that I could enjoy.

Are we really so ingrained with consumerism, that the idea of retail therapy, and buying things outside your needs on the basis that it’s cheap now, even though you are actually spending more than you planned to, is really the only way we can react? Isn’t that what got us there in the first place? I guess this is part of the supermarkets game. I have no doubts as I emerged from Tesco’s with numerous items which weren’t on my shopping list, whilst I felt a rush of fulfillment and considered the millions of possibilities that the extra chocolate pudding desserts would provide for my day. Damn and Blast!

As a final comment, you could be forgiven for thinking that I may have chosen to write about the snow this week, and that might have been a good idea if Cardiff had had more snow than it did. Monday night and Tuesday morning and it was gone. All the more annoying as meanwhile, the rest of the country went into a blind panic as it was faced with tons of the white stuff disrupting daily life. It’s a funny old world.