Mainstream madness

David Cameron is known for his political hyperbole and love of the soundbite but his comment today that UK film needs to be more mainstream had me worried. The big chief himself is turning his eye towards an industry he has little to no understanding of and also one that I happen to like.

Worse still here he was making misguided and poorly thought out generalisations about it. It is hardly a secret that it is notoriously hard to tell what film productions will turn a profit. Many Hollywood films make spectacular losses despite the mainstream appeal.

I’m far from the only one to be riled by the PM’s comments, veteran indy film-maker Ken Loach has vociferously argued against the idea and the twittersphere has exploded with suggestions of Cameron themed film names as a result.

Let’s make no mistake - the Conservative government has had it in for the arts since they got their hands on the country. Jeremy Hunt the culture secretary has been hacking away at the BBC for the past year or so and has overseen the abolition of the UK Film Council; The quango that gave us the multi-Oscar winning The Kings Speech, which is one of the highest grossing UK films to date.

The fact remains the British film industry has been a triumph over the past couple of years turning out several high grossing and well made films.

To think under Cameron’s vision we would have traded in great non-mainstream films such as Attack the Block, Looking for Eric, Touching the Void, This is England and Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy - to name a few- for pap like Love Actually.

The Fabulous Blokey Bloke Brothers

The boys often compete against each other. This battle is to see who can be the biggest windswept douche

I really didn’t know what to think about the Fabulous Baker Brothers. At first I was a little dismayed that here was yet another cooking show; one that no one asked for and worse, one that didn’t bring anything new or exciting to the table.

We’ve seen it all before, a chef or two hovering around a perfectionist’s cavernous kitchen that you could never in your life afford. That’s right look at the beautiful and fashionable kitchen and weep. Look at the delicious food they’re making in it! You could never cook that, unless of course you watch every week, check the website, buy the book and then maybe after a couple of decades you could make something minutely close to this. You really are rubbish without this show!

So, what is (or should that be ‘are’) the Fabulous Baker Brothers. The first impression is that the females of Britain now have their own Nigella Lawson-style food porn show. And by lord! There must have been a fantastic January sale on at the food porn show wholesaler as they got two for the price of one. The lads make all manner of comfort food such as sticky chocolate doughnuts, home-made chip butties and other food that is probably ‘too naughty’ for the January dieters, that I’m sure will have the ladies drooling – that is if the boys themselves haven’t achieved that themselves with all their hair swooshing and doughnut fisting.

This sandwich will make you feel like an inadequate man

 

Despite this however, the audience that the guys are attempting – or pretending at least – to appeal to is the average bloke, not least because they keep saying how blokey they are. Nevermore is this the case when the boys go head to head in their ‘weekly Pie Wars’. This honestly couldn’t be more blokey then if it tried to swill beer, whilst at a football match in an action movie. Don’t get me wrong I think it’s a genuinely good way to capture the heart of the cooking man; we all love a good pie deep down.

However, there is a problem. It feels like it is too much. For all their fopping around going after the male audience, it is the females who will probably get the most from this, as men despite their love of attacking huge steak sandwiches with axes and constructing massive meaty pies, are a catty, insecure and jealous bunch and may soon tire of their charming – to the ladies - kerfuffle. Still the show on merit is actually quite good and the food they make is worth trying at home so perhaps the Baker Brothers (their last name is really Herbert, but then The Fabulous Herbert Brothers does sound a little bit gay) manage to man-wrestle their way into the hearts of the public after all? I guess if the public can learn to love Gordon Ramsey, then I’m sure we can tolerate these baking bastards.

And what can we expect from 2012?

The final Simpsons episode ever was more cataclysmic than many were expecting

2011 has been a very surreal year with riots, royal weddings, major celebrity deaths and phone hacking filling the headlines. But with 2011 now in its dying days what can we expect from the next 12 months?

Here are the things I am hoping will happen next year:

A member of the Royal Family gets a pie in the face during the Diamond Jubilee:

You might infer from this that I am anti-royal. That’s not quite true, I consider myself more of an agnostic when it comes to the royal family. I’m not a flag waving patriot, nor am I an angry David Icke-like person who claims that they are actually lizard people stealing all our taxes. Despite not wishing the family ill I still think it would be quite funny to see one of them getting a pie in the face as it would lend a bit of fun to an otherwise somber and stuffy event.

Heston’s Cannibal Feast:

Heston Blumenthal is known for cooking up the wackiest feasts, but this time he cooks up the world’s deadliest game: man!

Bankers worldwide admit the economy is all made up:

This one is slightly overdue already. But I’m looking forward to the day that economists, financiers and bankers alike admit the jig is up and that world markets are actually just an elaborate bluff, confessing that no one can actually keep track of world trade properly.

Big Fat Gypsy funerals:

This year Channel 4 has been embracing the full-on tack fest that is Big Fat Gypsy Weddings - which has probably done more harm to the gypsy community than illegal settlements or fly-tipping could ever do. However given the adoption of this premise why not see it taken to down a more sinister route, where the baying public can high-mindedly snort and laugh at grieving gyppos, whilst chuckling at how extravagant and vulgar the people in the programme are. Additionally I want to see if someone can outdo Jimmy Saville in terms of pointlessly expensive funeral paraphernalia.

Daily Mail is prosecuted over phone hacking:

This one is a personal wish, although I could see it happening in reality. However with the truth about the extent of phone hacking gradually unraveling it would be a surprise if the Mail hadn’t been at it too. I doubt it would stop them from writing narrow-minded moralistic propaganda like they do now but it would be nice to see their positional abuses made transparent.

Failing that Piers Morgan being sent to prison for his involvement in the case would be a good consolation prize.

At least one inexplicable celebrity wedding:

This is an easy one to predict as these confusing weddings often happen, and are quickly followed by a fast annulment or divorce (just look at Sinead O’Connor these last two weeks after all). Here are a few suggested couples: Simon Cowell and Susan Boyle, Stephen Hawking and Edwina Curry, Katie Price and Patrick Moore, Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg etc.

Jeremy Clarkson makes an arse of himself again:

This has happened without fail at least once a year for the last couple of years, so why shouldn't the pattern continue? Undoubtedly someone will accidentally (on purpose) ask Mr Clarkson his opinion on a tender issue such as the legalization of drugs, the death penalty or the pro-choice vs. pro-life debate and he will oblige by answering that question very honestly and bluntly. This will inevitably be followed by angry bleating from the well-meaning public whilst the tabloids chuckle as their column inches and letters pages fill up with outraged waffle. I should add, if you are surprised by Clarkson being an outspoken bigot then you are failing to grasp the bleeding obvious and - ultimately - are failing at life.

Kim Jong Un constructs Kim Jong Il Land:

I would ‘dearly’ (read on and you’ll get the pun) love to see this. I’m hoping that Kim Jong Un – The Great Successor – will pay respect to the departed 'Dear Leader' (get it now?) Kim Jong Il by building and consecrating Kim Jong Il Land the first ever North Korean dictator themed theme park. It would certainly let the new leader of North Korea set down a befitting legacy for himself and his father. Expect to see fantastic rides such as The Magnificent Hydro Electric Dam Experience, The Capitalism Terror Coaster, The Juche Tower Drop and Kim Jong Il’s Magical Happiness & DPRK Prosperity Show amongst others.

They finally cancel the Simpsons:

It has to be done; it’s been going on for too long already. Let’s face the fact that The Simpsons hasn’t been that funny for the best part of 10 years as the episodes become more outlandish and background characters become too wacky and developed. Every show has its day and the Simpsons’ was now some time ago. Now it’s just sad to see it being artificially kept alive like a brain dead patient on 24 hour life-support. I don’t care how they end The Simpsons, whether it is that Springfield is destroyed in an earthquake or the family is killed in an unfortunate zeppelin accident. Just end it!

Have a happy New Year now.

Film sequels that should never be

There are a lot of sequels coming out at the moment. This year alone we’ve seen a third Transformers movie, another Chipmunks flick and a further Mission Impossible outing. There’s also a second, Independence Day in the works as well as further Terminator and Die Hard films too. It’s clear to see unnecessary sequels to well established film franchises are the vogue at the moment. However, it’s hard to say who asked for them?

Whilst it could be argued that this is a further symptom of Hollywood’s creative bankruptcy, what else could we expect to see coming up?

Here are a few predictions with accompanying synopsis:

Turner and Hooch 2

A long overdue second part to the much loved 80s buddy movie. Tom Hanks reprises his role as compulsive police detective Scott Turner and is joined by Hooch’s now fully grown puppy, Hooch 2. Turner is enjoying married life when he and Hooch are called to investigate a sinister animal testing experiment ring. In a bungled raid Hooch is turned into a human from the scientific equipment in the lab and Turner is forced to get to grips with his newly humanized sidekick who thinks and acts like a dog.

Sex and the City 3

Carrie is once again dissatisfied with her dull businessman husband and decided to go on a fashion road show in Europe with her 3 BBFs the ginger one, the prudish one and the old one. During the tour, each of the girls questions monogamy as they are tempted by a group of statuesque male models. All while cackling away, shopping for shoes, drinking copious amounts of cosmopolitans and making stereotypical semi-racist comments about the locals. *Warning* contains full-frontal images of Sarah Jessica Parker’s face.

Yogi Bear 2

Dan Akaroyd is back as the Pick-a-nik basket loving bear. Yogi and Boo Boo’s friendship is put to the ultimate test as they both fall for the same lady bear. This is set against the backdrop of a major conflict between the USA and Denmark, in which Yogi is made to come to terms with his love rivalry with Boo Boo, whilst preparing for his impending draft into the US navy.

Taxi Driver 2 – Who’s looking at who now?

30 years on from his bloody rampage though the cesspits of New York; Travis Bickle is still driving his yellow cab. However, after investing all his savings in Lehman Brothers shares, Travis loses everything during the 2008 financial scandal. To prevent the bank from repossessing his cab, he is forced to compete in New York’s most dangerous death race. Also featuring Christopher Walken.

Home Alone 5

Kevin McAllister, now 30 and recently divorced, finds himself Home Alone yet again. Although this time his enemy is not a couple of comical burglars; it’s himself, as he battles the twin evils of drink and depression.

Uncle Buck 2

Inexplicable sequel starring Kevin James, as Buck is once again called upon to babysit his nephew and nieces. This time hilarity ensues as he tries to make a success of his new dog track bought using a large mafia loan. Buck is left to juggle the twin responsibilities of his nephews and nieces' well-being, with trying to raise enough money to keep his legs unbroken.

Star Wars Episode 7

Just no!


God willing, none of these films will never be made. Then again, stranger things have happened and I was right about my prediction of a live action CGI Yogi Bear movie.

I just don’t believe anything anymore

I’ve given up suspending disbelief. I just don’t believe anything in the world anymore. I’ve given up full stop. I thought by my mid-twenties I’d be settled in my belief in my own existence and the existence of everything around me but I can’t keep up the charade anymore.

Let’s be fair we live in a time when many anchors we hold true are being unraveled completely. Look at the economy for example. We spent years trusting that the well-to-do gents who went to town every day in their suit and finery had a good idea of what they were doing, but of course as it transpires, they’re as clueless about the magic numbers that are imagined in the stock markets as everyone else. Perhaps even more so!

Whilst banker bashing is like shooting fish in a barrel, I’ve become a disbeliever of nearly everything else. Like Greenland for example, is it really there or just an elaborate prank played on the rest of the world by the Danish? Let’s be honest no-one really lives there, so is it just the case that they’ve got together enough people game for a laugh to pretend they live there? Perhaps they’ve taken a few pictures of some backwater towns in Iceland and pretended a giant country where no one lives exists in the North Atlantic.

Nothing on TV is real. Documentaries are sexed up highlights of historical or natural events. Do you think anyone would watch animals doing stuff that didn’t involve humping or killing? Of course not, we watch enough of ourselves doing that already. Also do you believe that Justin Bieber actually exists – would you want to anyway - and isn’t just a cruel joke being played by a series of music executives? What’s to have stopped them hiring actors and to have scripted some lines for them?

You can’t believe the news either. As the Levinson Report at the moment seems to suggest, most of it is made up. I should know as I play a part in that in my own way.

History is almost exclusively written by the winners, or by a Wikipedia editor. Twitter and Facebook and all our access to mass media just allows rumour to spread at an unprecedented rate so no one really knows what’s true and what’s not for the most part.

Religion, how do we not know that someone sitting in ancient India invented the idea of gods as an elaborate practical joke that worked too well? Or alternatively he got high and everyone just believed his rantings? Stranger things have happened.

Life is confusing.

Looking at the T4 Presenter.

Heeey Kids! It's time to meet your new best pals.

Presenters come in all shapes and sizes and act in many different ways, from the doddering decrepit old-time entertainment provided by Bruce Forsythe, to the obnoxious red faced ranting of Adam Bolton on Sky News.

Then you get T4 presenters, who are a weird bunch. As I’ve probably made clear from my past scribbles I don’t really like them. I find them loud annoying and in-your-face (which to be fair, is probably part of their job description). But they persist year after year, coming in as fresh-faced failed radio presenters or models heavily draped in Top Shop’s latest rags, until they are metaphorically euthanized from the line-up at age 24 like an old incontinent farm hound, with an uncertain future of bit-part presenting jobs like the X-tra Factor or popular entertainment oblivion.

After all look what happened to Alex Zane after he was put out to pasture. Now he struts around an empty studio, in a suit that is far too smart for his face, laughing to himself at YouTube video’s that were popular 6 months ago. He’s the British TV equivalent of Gary Busey.

Its hard to know what logic led to the creation of the T4 presenter. Was it a cynical attempt to cash in on the average half-witted teen looking for the latest repeats of Friends and Smallville, or is it an on the mark representation of what today’s thinking young-adult craves. All I can say is that if it’s the latter I’m going to start praying for a case of mass impotence like in Children of Men.

Overall the only thing that T4 presenters themselves are really guilty of is that they’re vapid, personality vacuums housed in this year’s designer fashion and hair gel encased skulls; armed only with an encyclopedia of pop culture slang. Let’s be fair the female presenters are little more than squawking human clothes horses for River Island. It’s just a shame they’re there to greet me on weekend morning when I’m hungover and purposely avoiding loud colours, and a cooler-than-thou attitude.

The bulletpoint movie, or Rick Generic blows up stuff

Today I felt like doing something a bit different. Now I’m a big fan of action movies and especially love the cheesier variety of this genre, like the Expendables or Snakes on a Plane. As a result I’ve decided to write my own screen play but in bullet point form, allowing me to quickly layout a plot and/or easily make any modifications to the story.

The title for this is going to be Rick Generic Blows Up Stuff. Now, why such a crass name you may be wondering? Well quite frankly I feel it goes with the territory and why spend ages skirting round the issue of what the movie is. With this title you get exactly what it says on the tin and know who it’s featuring.

Now our hero is a chap by the name of Rick Generic. He’s called Rick because it’s a stereotypically dynamic sounding name and Generic is an obvious nod to what this whole premise is; a stupidly self-conscious attempt to deconstruct the Hollywood code for an action film.

So let’s get started:

To set the scene Rick Generic is a former special ops Navy Seal (or another oft seen branch of the US special forces) He’s living on his idyllic farm in Minnasota with his lovely wife Miranda and his 8 year old son Skip. He’s happy in retirement and has left his violent past behind, or so he thinks…

· Rick is visited by his old buddy in arms Hanson (who is soon to retire from the forces) & his pregnant wife Julia.

· Hanson implores that Rick come back to do one last mission, to take down an old enemy of theirs Henry Magnum – a notable drugs/arms/contraband ringleader/ industrialist.

· Rick of course refuses, feeling that his family could be in danger if he gets involved.

· Hanson isn’t pleased with the news but warns his family could be in danger anyway. They part and bump fists.

· Shortly after specially trained mercenaries break into the farm and kidnap Miranda and Skip. They also shoot dead his dog “Freedom” and the farm’s corn silo is blown up in the ensuing chaos.

· Realising Magnum is to blame, he swears revenge and calls up Hanson to save his family.

· Using their old contacts in the forces they locate Magnum’s base, which is on a small island in the Indian Ocean.

· Hanson and Rick head to a seedy bar, where Magnum’s drug/arms dealers operate out of to find out more details about the villains plans. Naturally there is a bar fight over someone taking exception to the two newcomers.

· Rick and Hanson chase after one of Magnum’s heavies, who gets in a sports car and drives off. Hanson and Rick pursue.

· A car chase takes place wherein stuff is smashed, people are nearly run over and stuff gets blown up.

· Rick and Hanson capture the man and start to interrogate him using crude makeshift torture tools. The man is about to talk when Magnum – who monitors all his men via implanted chips- remotely activates a chip in his brain that wipes his memory. The man is left brain-dead. Rick punches a nearby mirror in his rage (first of all going to some effort to actually find a mirror in the room).

· Rick is then called by Gadget (an ops friend) who explains more of the Magnum’s plan, revealing that the villain’s island has an extensive security system they’ll need to deactivate first if they want to gain access. Hanson swears and Rick punches another breakable object within reach.

· The code key to turn off the system is held by Magnum’s right hand man Chimp. He happens to be off the island on a bender amongst the bars of South Africa.

· Rick and Hanson hurry to Cape Town.

· Meanwhile on Magnum’s island Henry taunts Rick’s family, who are adamant he is coming to save them. Skip makes several references to how great his dad is. Magnum laughs heavily at both of them whilst smoking numerous cigars and punching a cat to death.

· Magnum reveals that he plans to start selling a new drug that is so addictive that after one hit you are so dependent on it that not taking it can kill you.

· Miranda and Skip insist he won’t get away with it. Magnum laughs heartily and shoots a parrot.

That about does it for a start, hopefully I’ll be able to keep committed to this so that I can develop it further. Whether I do or not is now down to fate and how disciplined I remain.