Friday, December 30, 2011

And what can we expect from 2012?

The final Simpsons episode ever was more cataclysmic than many were expecting
2011 has been a very surreal year with riots, royal weddings, major celebrity deaths and phone hacking filling the headlines. But with 2011 now in its dying days what can we expect from the next 12 months?

Here are the things I am hoping will happen next year:

A member of the Royal Family gets a pie in the face during the Diamond Jubilee:

You might infer from this that I am anti-royal. That’s not quite true, I consider myself more of an agnostic when it comes to the royal family. I’m not a flag waving patriot, nor am I an angry David Icke-like person who claims that they are actually lizard people stealing all our taxes. Despite not wishing the family ill I still think it would be quite funny to see one of them getting a pie in the face as it would lend a bit of fun to an otherwise somber and stuffy event.

Heston’s Cannibal Feast:

Heston Blumenthal is known for cooking up the wackiest feasts, but this time he cooks up the world’s deadliest game: man!

Bankers worldwide admit the economy is all made up:

This one is slightly overdue already. But I’m looking forward to the day that economists, financiers and bankers alike admit the jig is up and that world markets are actually just an elaborate bluff, confessing that no one can actually keep track of world trade properly.

Big Fat Gypsy funerals:

This year Channel 4 has been embracing the full-on tack fest that is Big Fat Gypsy Weddings - which has probably done more harm to the gypsy community than illegal settlements or fly-tipping could ever do. However given the adoption of this premise why not see it taken to down a more sinister route, where the baying public can high-mindedly snort and laugh at grieving gyppos, whilst chuckling at how extravagant and vulgar the people in the programme are. Additionally I want to see if someone can outdo Jimmy Saville in terms of pointlessly expensive funeral paraphernalia.

Daily Mail is prosecuted over phone hacking:

This one is a personal wish, although I could see it happening in reality. However with the truth about the extent of phone hacking gradually unraveling it would be a surprise if the Mail hadn’t been at it too. I doubt it would stop them from writing narrow-minded moralistic propaganda like they do now but it would be nice to see their positional abuses made transparent.

Failing that Piers Morgan being sent to prison for his involvement in the case would be a good consolation prize.

At least one inexplicable celebrity wedding:

This is an easy one to predict as these confusing weddings often happen, and are quickly followed by a fast annulment or divorce (just look at Sinead O’Connor these last two weeks after all). Here are a few suggested couples: Simon Cowell and Susan Boyle, Stephen Hawking and Edwina Curry, Katie Price and Patrick Moore, Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg etc.

Jeremy Clarkson makes an arse of himself again:

This has happened without fail at least once a year for the last couple of years, so why shouldn't the pattern continue? Undoubtedly someone will accidentally (on purpose) ask Mr Clarkson his opinion on a tender issue such as the legalization of drugs, the death penalty or the pro-choice vs. pro-life debate and he will oblige by answering that question very honestly and bluntly. This will inevitably be followed by angry bleating from the well-meaning public whilst the tabloids chuckle as their column inches and letters pages fill up with outraged waffle. I should add, if you are surprised by Clarkson being an outspoken bigot then you are failing to grasp the bleeding obvious and - ultimately - are failing at life.

Kim Jong Un constructs Kim Jong Il Land:

I would ‘dearly’ (read on and you’ll get the pun) love to see this. I’m hoping that Kim Jong Un – The Great Successor – will pay respect to the departed 'Dear Leader' (get it now?) Kim Jong Il by building and consecrating Kim Jong Il Land the first ever North Korean dictator themed theme park. It would certainly let the new leader of North Korea set down a befitting legacy for himself and his father. Expect to see fantastic rides such as The Magnificent Hydro Electric Dam Experience, The Capitalism Terror Coaster, The Juche Tower Drop and Kim Jong Il’s Magical Happiness & DPRK Prosperity Show amongst others.

They finally cancel the Simpsons:

It has to be done; it’s been going on for too long already. Let’s face the fact that The Simpsons hasn’t been that funny for the best part of 10 years as the episodes become more outlandish and background characters become too wacky and developed. Every show has its day and the Simpsons’ was now some time ago. Now it’s just sad to see it being artificially kept alive like a brain dead patient on 24 hour life-support. I don’t care how they end The Simpsons, whether it is that Springfield is destroyed in an earthquake or the family is killed in an unfortunate zeppelin accident. Just end it!

Have a happy New Year now.

Monday, December 05, 2011

Film sequels that should never be

There are a lot of sequels coming out at the moment. This year alone we’ve seen a third Transformers movie, another Chipmunks flick and a further Mission Impossible outing. There’s also a second, Independence Day in the works as well as further Terminator and Die Hard films too. It’s clear to see unnecessary sequels to well established film franchises are the vogue at the moment. However, it’s hard to say who asked for them?

Whilst it could be argued that this is a further symptom of Hollywood’s creative bankruptcy, what else could we expect to see coming up?

Here are a few predictions with accompanying synopsis:

Turner and Hooch 2

A long overdue second part to the much loved 80s buddy movie. Tom Hanks reprises his role as compulsive police detective Scott Turner and is joined by Hooch’s now fully grown puppy, Hooch 2. Turner is enjoying married life when he and Hooch are called to investigate a sinister animal testing experiment ring. In a bungled raid Hooch is turned into a human from the scientific equipment in the lab and Turner is forced to get to grips with his newly humanized sidekick who thinks and acts like a dog.

Sex and the City 3

Carrie is once again dissatisfied with her dull businessman husband and decided to go on a fashion road show in Europe with her 3 BBFs the ginger one, the prudish one and the old one. During the tour, each of the girls questions monogamy as they are tempted by a group of statuesque male models. All while cackling away, shopping for shoes, drinking copious amounts of cosmopolitans and making stereotypical semi-racist comments about the locals. *Warning* contains full-frontal images of Sarah Jessica Parker’s face.

Yogi Bear 2

Dan Akaroyd is back as the Pick-a-nik basket loving bear. Yogi and Boo Boo’s friendship is put to the ultimate test as they both fall for the same lady bear. This is set against the backdrop of a major conflict between the USA and Denmark, in which Yogi is made to come to terms with his love rivalry with Boo Boo, whilst preparing for his impending draft into the US navy.

Taxi Driver 2 – Who’s looking at who now?

30 years on from his bloody rampage though the cesspits of New York; Travis Bickle is still driving his yellow cab. However, after investing all his savings in Lehman Brothers shares, Travis loses everything during the 2008 financial scandal. To prevent the bank from repossessing his cab, he is forced to compete in New York’s most dangerous death race. Also featuring Christopher Walken.

Home Alone 5

Kevin McAllister, now 30 and recently divorced, finds himself Home Alone yet again. Although this time his enemy is not a couple of comical burglars; it’s himself, as he battles the twin evils of drink and depression.

Uncle Buck 2

Inexplicable sequel starring Kevin James, as Buck is once again called upon to babysit his nephew and nieces. This time hilarity ensues as he tries to make a success of his new dog track bought using a large mafia loan. Buck is left to juggle the twin responsibilities of his nephews and nieces' well-being, with trying to raise enough money to keep his legs unbroken.

Star Wars Episode 7

Just no!
(Note: Unfortunately it would turn out later that this was to become a reality

God willing, none of these films will never be made. Then again, stranger things have happened and I was right about my prediction of a live action CGI Yogi Bear movie.