2018 News Hierarchy


It's nearly 2018! As we count down to the end of 2017, a year that didn't have to try very hard after the dismal 2016 and yet still turned out to be disappointing somehow, we can cast our minds forwards to what's in store for the next year.

I've been having a think of how the news cycle in our age of fake news, pretend outrage and other tiresome buzzwords everyone repeats due to a lack of imagination or interest with the topics at hand, might look in the coming year. Also the internet loves predictive lists in December and listacles are really easy to write.

So here's how I think the hierarchy of news could look in 2018 going from most important to utter rubbish:

  • Real news - Wars, explosions, coups, political corruption, beloved celebrity turns out to be massive bell end prolific sex offender etc.

  • Sport - Almost real news, at least involves something happening.

  • An influential person says something they shouldn't - Whoops someone wasn't thinking there, guess we better cover that. I'm sure they'll issue a feeble apology and will probably think better of it in the future (This does not apply to Boris Johnson or Donald Trump)

  • Royal Weddings - Because they sells a ton of papers or ads and everyone seems to be captivated by it.

  • Gobshite looking for attention says something horribly offensive - See Katie Hopkins or Morrissey. Seriously, just ignore them and hopefully they'll go away! Stop writing about it as if it's a shock, it's predictable at best.

  • Gobshite doesn't like a thing everyone likes - Are you really surprised considering they are a gobshite. Stop giving them attention!

  • A person you never heard of did a thing - Pah! Millennials right? With their fidgitstergrams! Get off my lawn!

  • Z list celebrity is signed to appear on reality TV show - One of three reactions necessary: Who? Him/Her? or I thought they were dead?!

  • Gobshite appears on reality TV - Look! Enough! Stop giving these people an audience!

  • That TV show did a controversial thing - Rinse and repeat every bloody year until we end up with some bizarre story involving Britain's first human octopus on-screen kiss.

  • Charity campaign goes viral with memey photo sharing thing- Hope whatever it is somehow never reaches you by isolating yourself from social media until it fizzles out.

  • Playground commentary - Footballers wife has tell all story or speculation about the love life of members of the Loose Women panel sourced from "a friend of the family". 

  • Gogglebox commentary - I'm still waiting for where they get Goggleboxers to watch old episodes of Gogglebox and comment on that before taking it to the next level of having Goggleboxers watching Goggleboxers watching Gogglebox.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Don't drink and drive or you WILL be branded with a hot iron!

Image
Apologies for the lack of witty title but I really couldn’t think of one at this point in time. I want to just make a few comments about some of the draconian government initiatives which sometimes are tantamount of fascism. I’ll start with a particularly annoying advert for drinking and driving. First of all let me just say I do not in any way condone drinking and driving, I think it’s a stupid and dangerous thing to do and I think the law should be firm on it. However what I don’t agree with in this case is the way that government adverts try to imply you will be socially outcasted and ruined financially if you do it. What’s a stronger message than saying you will die? That’s the point they should probably put across to people rather than implying that you will get caught and be marked for life. The content of this advert is as follows: The TV ad focuses on Matt, a young man out for a couple of quick drinks with some friends, as he's deciding whether or not to have a second pint
Read more

The shifting sands of British voters

Image
We live in interesting times to quote a very dully repeated cliche. The problem with interesting times is old assumptions go out the window. The British voter is not a monolith. People vote based on circumstances as much as they vote the way their parents did. Assuming everything will stay the same is a fool's errand. The local elections are proof if it were ever needed that the Conservative movement has wedged itself between a rock and a hard place and it is at risk of being pulled apart in a Labour Lib Dem and Green feeding frenzy at the next election. The signs bode badly for Rishi Sunak who after inheriting a wounded, yet still well-placed Conservative party with a good majority in the House of Commons has seen the economic outlook go gloomy. Let’s be clear. We’re a long way away from the Boris bounce and the ‘stonking’ majority election victory of 2019. The party now finds itself pulled between its past and present with no one looking to the future seemingly. The past being i
Read more

The Brave and the Bald

Image
Fans expressed shock when 33-year-old Sebastian Vettel revealed his new “aerodynamic” hairstyle on his first day at Aston Martin. Yet, the history of Formula One features plenty of follically challenged participants. Male pattern baldness has been with us for millennia and it would appear from his first snaps in his new Aston Martin colours that Sebastian Vettel is the latest victim.  Whilst many will joke that this is a result of his 5 disappointing years at Ferrari or from too many hours wearing a crash helmet, this is a very common thing to see from a man his age. Not only that, but it’s good to see that he’s dealing with it on his own terms, rather than trying to hide it with increasingly fiendish comb-over tricks.  Nevertheless, F1’s newest hair-challenged hero is in good company. Some of the greatest and best-loved drivers in the history of the sport also experienced similar challenges.  Stirling Moss Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stirling_Moss It’s hard to imagine t
Read more