10 dumb things to try in 2018


Life is all about experiences, as without experiences we are just empty vessels going through the drudgery of life. Everything is an experience or a journey nowadays. For example, a cup of tea is a experience, going to the toilet is an experience etc. Obviously the nuance of the experience may depend on the experience in question. After all an exciting new tea experience is infinitely better than a terrifying toilet experience.

People are always making lists to finish the year by telling people what they should feel guilty for not doing, calling it something like 10 things to do before you die (for example you have permission to die if you do everything on the list, I'm about halfway through 100 songs to listen to before you die and I think if I just keep putting off listening to all the U2 stuff long enough I can increase my lifespan almost infinitely), so I'm going to be lazy and do just the same but with pointless or impractical experiences to have in 2018.

So in the spirit of starting the year with unavailable and uninteresting goals, here are dumb new experiences to try in 2018.

1. Get fired from your job on purpose

My ideal method is by bringing a live donkey into the office to make jokes about "making an ass of myself". If you work on a donkey farm you may need to rethink this one.

2. Create your own currency

"What do mean Gnoflots aren't legal tender!"

3. Try to teach your parents how to build their own sex robots

They taught you about the birds and the bees, so teach them about how to create artificial intelligence that will get them frisky and save their marriage. They're counting on you!

4. Build the world's largest fidget spinner

Because you're down with the kids with their Facetergrams.

5. Construct a miniature version of the Royal Albert Hall out of gherkins

It can be the talk of your Last Night of the Proms party as a savoury centrepiece.

6. Pretend to be a time traveller from the year ahead

"What year is this! 2018? Then I still have time to stop it! Danger! Migos are not to be trusted! They're bringing great destruction! Beware!"


7. Create a disgusting new flavour of beer and see if you can sell it to Hipsters

"Mmm Marmite beer! It has a delightful savoury kick with a hoppy finish." Yes I know Marmite is made from beer byproducts!


8. Start an unscientific healthy eating craze

People love a good old fad diet with little to no scientific basis, so create something trite like cutting out all food that is dried because they "lack nutrients" or some other pseudo nonsense. It'll be fun as you can demand special attention in restaurants and drive friends and family nuts with your picky attention seeking eating (nuts are most definitely not ok in the wet food diet!).

9. Send all your enemies Valentine's Day cards saying: "Your heart will be mine and on my mantelpiece by Christmas!"

Nothing like a good old Valentine's scare!

10. Create a play or musical based on the many deaths of Sean Bean

If you work fast maybe he could star in it too!



So there are 10 things to do before you die in 2018. You have my permission to die of natural causes after completing this list, but woe betide you if you do before finishing. (Absolutely no suicide, that's not allowed in this challenge.) Or keep living, I'm not going to tell you what to do.

Happy New Year!

(I'm not going to do anything on this list just so you know).

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