Friday, December 30, 2011

And what can we expect from 2012?

The final Simpsons episode ever was more cataclysmic than many were expecting
2011 has been a very surreal year with riots, royal weddings, major celebrity deaths and phone hacking filling the headlines. But with 2011 now in its dying days what can we expect from the next 12 months?

Here are the things I am hoping will happen next year:

A member of the Royal Family gets a pie in the face during the Diamond Jubilee:


You might infer from this that I am anti-royal. That’s not quite true, I consider myself more of an agnostic when it comes to the royal family. I’m not a flag waving patriot, nor am I an angry David Icke-like person who claims that they are actually lizard people stealing all our taxes. Despite not wishing the family ill I still think it would be quite funny to see one of them getting a pie in the face as it would lend a bit of fun to an otherwise somber and stuffy event.

Heston’s Cannibal Feast:


Heston Blumenthal is known for cooking up the wackiest feasts, but this time he cooks up the world’s deadliest game: man!

Bankers worldwide admit the economy is all made up:

This one is slightly overdue already. But I’m looking forward to the day that economists, financiers and bankers alike admit the jig is up and that world markets are actually just an elaborate bluff, confessing that no one can actually keep track of world trade properly.

Big Fat Gypsy funerals:

This year Channel 4 has been embracing the full-on tack fest that is Big Fat Gypsy Weddings - which has probably done more harm to the gypsy community than illegal settlements or fly-tipping could ever do. However given the adoption of this premise why not see it taken to down a more sinister route, where the baying public can high-mindedly snort and laugh at grieving gyppos, whilst chuckling at how extravagant and vulgar the people in the programme are. Additionally I want to see if someone can outdo Jimmy Saville in terms of pointlessly expensive funeral paraphernalia.

Daily Mail is prosecuted over phone hacking:


This one is a personal wish, although I could see it happening in reality. However with the truth about the extent of phone hacking gradually unraveling it would be a surprise if the Mail hadn’t been at it too. I doubt it would stop them from writing narrow-minded moralistic propaganda like they do now but it would be nice to see their positional abuses made transparent.

Failing that Piers Morgan being sent to prison for his involvement in the case would be a good consolation prize.

At least one inexplicable celebrity wedding:


This is an easy one to predict as these confusing weddings often happen, and are quickly followed by a fast annulment or divorce (just look at Sinead O’Connor these last two weeks after all). Here are a few suggested couples: Simon Cowell and Susan Boyle, Stephen Hawking and Edwina Curry, Katie Price and Patrick Moore, Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg etc.

Jeremy Clarkson makes an arse of himself again:


This has happened without fail at least once a year for the last couple of years, so why shouldn't the pattern continue? Undoubtedly someone will accidentally (on purpose) ask Mr Clarkson his opinion on a tender issue such as the legalization of drugs, the death penalty or the pro-choice vs. pro-life debate and he will oblige by answering that question very honestly and bluntly. This will inevitably be followed by angry bleating from the well-meaning public whilst the tabloids chuckle as their column inches and letters pages fill up with outraged waffle. I should add, if you are surprised by Clarkson being an outspoken bigot then you are failing to grasp the bleeding obvious and - ultimately - are failing at life.

Kim Jong Un constructs Kim Jong Il Land:


I would ‘dearly’ (read on and you’ll get the pun) love to see this. I’m hoping that Kim Jong Un – The Great Successor – will pay respect to the departed 'Dear Leader' (get it now?) Kim Jong Il by building and consecrating Kim Jong Il Land the first ever North Korean dictator themed theme park. It would certainly let the new leader of North Korea set down a befitting legacy for himself and his father. Expect to see fantastic rides such as The Magnificent Hydro Electric Dam Experience, The Capitalism Terror Coaster, The Juche Tower Drop and Kim Jong Il’s Magical Happiness & DPRK Prosperity Show amongst others.

They finally cancel the Simpsons:


It has to be done; it’s been going on for too long already. Let’s face the fact that The Simpsons hasn’t been that funny for the best part of 10 years as the episodes become more outlandish and background characters become too wacky and developed. Every show has its day and the Simpsons’ was now some time ago. Now it’s just sad to see it being artificially kept alive like a brain dead patient on 24 hour life-support. I don’t care how they end The Simpsons, whether it is that Springfield is destroyed in an earthquake or the family is killed in an unfortunate zeppelin accident. Just end it!

Have a happy New Year now.

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