It says a lot about the summer when you find that nothing is interesting. This month is often known amongst journalists and TV schedulers as the “silly season,” as nothing really happens at this time of year. For one thing parliament is off on summer holiday (cue horrendous mental images of David Cameron on the beach tossing a beach ball to George Osbourne, whilst Nick Clegg is sent off to get the cabinet a round of ice creams), so there are no interesting parliamentary squabbles for the news to report on. Additionally much of the rest of the country are off on holiday, as parents take advantage of their kids being off from school and go abroad too.
As there are not many interesting news stories to comment on - aside from the Naomi Campbell Diamond scandal, but a phrase ending with the words “fish in a barrel” comes to mind in that scenario. Instead I’m going to make up some ridiculous stories which probably would gain seasonal coverage at this moment in time, if they were real.
MEATA declares war on PETA
A pro-animal cruelty group: Meat Eaters Against Tawdry Animal-loving-antagonists (MEATA) has attacked the headquarters of the celebrity endorsed People for the Ethical Treament of Animals (PETA), in what is said to be the first wave of a sophisticated terror campaign.
The attack took place last night, when the MEATA members stormed the PETA UK headquarters in London. The fur clad MEATA men were reported to be ‘armed to the teeth with frozen sausage and salami truncheons, as well as Pâté based grenades’. The attackers were held at bay by PETA activists, who retaliated with sharpened carrots until the police arrived.
6 MEATA campaigners have been treated for carrot stab wounds, whilst a further 13 PETA members were treated for psychological trauma, after freaking out from touching meat products.
Terror as everyone realises no one is in control of anything really.
Fear gripped the world today as everyone suddenly realised that no one knew how to do their job very well, and had been relying on the fact that someone else knew what they were meant to be doing.
From judges to lorry drivers, panic struck, with men and women running around, waving their arms and yelling at their colleagues, “I thought you knew what I was meant to be doing! I bloody well don’t!”
The Prime Minister urged for calm, as he frantically tried to phone the President to see what he should do next to deal with the crisis; as the President frantically tried to reach God on the special White House to Heaven hotline installed by George W Bush.
Prince Andrew corgi fighting ring broken up
Buckingham Palace guards were forced to act last night as it was found that Prince Andrew had been organising illegal corgi fighting matches in the horse sheds of the Palace.
Palace Guards were alerted by shouts, and yelps from the dogs. It is estimated that no corgis were killed, although one is in a critical condition according to the royal vets.
“We don’t think this is the first time that Andrew has organised corgi fights” said Palace Guardsman Geoffrey Townsend “we have began to notice the dogs limping around recently, and some have had tufts of fur missing, but we thought that was because they had been fighting over one of the bitches”
This controversy of course comes after the Prince was caught trying to sell Stone Henge to an American tourist last year.
Ryan Air take their rivalry with Easyjet up a notch
The bosses of Ryanair have been severely reprimanded by the ASA for a print advert featuring a picture of Hitler above the caption: “Like Easyjet, he also had some crazy ideas about better service, and look what happened there.”
This marks the second time this year that the Irish budget airline has compared its rival unfavourably with a dictator, having previously featured an advert attacking Easyjet, using an image of Robert Mugabe.
Ryanair has been fined £100,000 and has been ordered to not use a dictator (living or dead) in any advertisements for the next six months.
James Cordon arrested for indecent exposure
Funny fat man James Cordon has been held in remand by Hertford Police for walking up Stevenage High Street completely naked.
The incident took place this afternoon, when police were called by shocked residents who got to see more of the chubby comedian than they had ever imagined.
Witnesses said “I knew he had a big belly, as he keeps showing it on TV. But nothing could prepare me for seeing it in real life, it seems a lot bigger. Oh, and he had his dick out too.”
Mr Cordon’s agent claimed, “My client believed he was taking part in an audition for a new episode of Naked Jungle with Keith Chegwin”.
Kim Jong il is Top of the Pops
The first single by North Korean dictator Kim Jong il, has been released in high streets across Europe.
The sixty nine year old, who is known for his love of quirky projects such as film directing, has released his musical works, of what is to be known as NK-pop, outside of the DPRK – where every single reached Number 1 in the charts – for the first time ever.