There is an uneasy feeling in the air. Something awful this way comes. The first signs of the coming apocalypse are drawing near. I am of course talking about the nearing release of every-man’s nightmare: Sex and the City 2. Or as I like to think of it: Carrie and her squawking bum-chums Strike Back.
That’s right! The most apocalyptic movie event of the year is soon to touch down at a ground zero near you, and, as you can imagine, I will be hiding away in my concrete bunker until the storm has passed. Now having never seen either film I could be accused of judging the franchise too harshly, so let me just clear the air here.
Firstly, I thought the series was watchable at times. Hell, I even found myself laughing at some of the jokes. The movies on the other hand look like pure torture for heterosexuals possessing a Y chromosome, and maybe the odd homosexual female. I’ve even heard fans of the series telling me the film is rubbish, so there is no good reason for me to see it. Secondly seeing the films would require paying money to see Sarah Jessica Parkers’ face enlarged on the big screen which I don’t think my heart, mind, and eyes could take. I simply refuse to on principal, considering I can scarcely manage seeing SJP up on the publicity billboards. Twice now I’ve nearly crashed my car whilst shielding my eyes from the sparkly; mascara-lined, hideousness of it all.
The biggest problem I have with the movies however is the fact that it is treated like a big event; much like the pretentious galas that the ‘gals’ seem to be invited to all the time whilst us mere mortals just make do with the occasional night at the cinema or going to the pub. Of course being a straight male, I don’t understand the hype. In fact I find the hype behind it so perplexing it actually makes me angry. What is it I’m not seeing that is so great? Am I mad, or are the majority of people who liked the film just loopy?
So why am I not excited about Sex and the City 2? Well, I’ll tell you:
· As I’ve already stated: I hate Sarah Jessica Parker. The fact that this film just seems to be another ego trip for the lanky horse in make-up, suggests that there is little to like about the movie.
· The fact that the first film (and the TV series is partially to blame as well) has led to a spin off us unpleasant ads based on the four clucking hens in designer shoes of the apocalypse. There are less obvious ones: like the terrifying glimpse into a world where a hen-night-style regime change has taken place, and is featured in the Boots adverts, and there are more overt and strange examples.
· It encourages the view that it is ok to religiously worship overpriced clothes and shoes. We’re still in a fucking credit-crunch! Stop dangling the carrot of decadence in the eyes of people who will only go out and run up huge credit card bills trying to emulate this hapless excess. That’s right! I am accusing Sex and the City of destroying our economy.
· The films glamorise a niche, vacuous, narcissistic sub-culture, which I could envisage putting scruffy people to death if it ever seized power.
· Feminism came a long way in the 1960s thanks to the pioneering women of that age, only for it to be high-jacked by the four well-dressed morons.
· The second movie is set in Abu Dhabi, a country with a shocking record of human rights violations against women. Somehow this fact is ignored, as the country is championed as an ideal girly holiday destination. Another strike for women’s equality wouldn’t you say? Then again screw equality, as the ladies want their cosmos, and pampering.
· I simply will not get most of the humour. My brain is not able to handle jokes about ‘women’s problems’, gynaecology, cocktails, and boyfriends. It just will not compute.
· All my female friends will start cooing on Facebook about how great it is, and how much they are looking forward to it, while I cower in my cave feeling left out by the fact there is no way I can relate to the material in question.
In sum, I think I would hate this movie so much I’d probably give myself post-traumatic stress watching it. I’m suffering enough having watched the trailer for a bit of context on the film, which I can safely say caused me to die a little watching it.I may have preferred it if they’d introduced some real adversity to the characters like, for instance: The Girls have to rethink their lives after the world descends into chaos following a short lived nuclear war, and they find themselves fighting for survival amongst the madness. At least that would have made me chuckle.