How to avoid joining a neighbourhood Whatsapp group in the age of lockdown
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| Photo by Rachit Tank on Unsplash |
Living in these strange times of isolation has given further rise to one of the most eccentric facets of domestic life: the neighbourhood Whatsapp group.
For some, this is an essential lifeline to social bonding and local happenings. However, for others, it’s a persistent annoyance. Considering, that with technology we’ve never been so apart and yet so together at the same time it’s normally one or the other without much room in the middle.
If you’re very much in the latter camp and want to stay out the drama, bad joke and gossip tornado that is a Whatapps group between local residents, don’t panic. For fun, I’ve hypothesised a few solutions to help you avoid a phone breaking deluge of bad viral comedy and residential rivalries.
Approach 1: Avoid your neighbours
The first option is also perhaps one of the easiest in the current situation. You’ve got the perfect excuse in social distancing not to speak or go near any of your neighbours for the next few months.Of course, saying hello to members of your community might seem fine (and in most cases it is) but do your best to avoid anything more than a quick exchange of pleasantries.
However, someone could still eventually ask you to join the group, or worse, a paper invite might find itself popped through the letterbox giving you little room to hide.
To be extra sure you avoid that mess, instead build a reputation as that weird bloke or lady that never speaks to anyone. Embrace it and run with it and you will avoid being roped into a neighbourhood sing-along or any other eccentric group activity that they try to make everyone do.
A little quirkiness of your own may ironically help you avoid falling into the social media black hole your neighbours have created.
Approach 2: Use a burner sim
Sometimes it’s not possible to avoid being shanghaied into a group. Perhaps someone managed to catch you unguarded and talked you into joining or maybe you had no excuses to hand and agreed out of politeness. Nevertheless, now you’re in there’s no way to get out. Or is there?As best shown by TV shows like The Wire or Breaking Bad, one of the most convenient ways to be untraceable is to have a collection of cheap phones and sim cards that can be disposed of if compromised.
If you’ve had to give your Whatsapp number to an eager neighbourhood social media coordinator, it might be better under the circumstances to cut your losses and bin the sim.
Before doing so, make sure you have a spare handy or one on order so you don’t lose all communication with people you do one to talk to. Once, the replacement is ready, all you’ll need to do then is dispose of the old one.
How you do this is up to you but don’t be afraid to be creative with one of the following methods:
- Clandestinely burying it in the back garden
- Smashing it with a hammer
- Putting it in a blender or food processor
- Melting it in the oven (avoid microwaves if you don’t want to blow up the kitchen)
- Cutting it into tiny pieces with scissors
- Attaching it to a firework and letting the thing off during the Thursday evening NHS clap-along
Approach 3: Plan to move house once this is all over
Let’s be honest, there might be no going back to normal once this is all over, at least in terms of being friendly with our fellow local residents is concerned. Instead, use your lockdown time wisely to find a quieter more isolated place to live.Once things return to somewhat normality, get your plans into action and then quietly leave the Whatsapp group you’ve been roped into. From there simply enjoy your new life and never look back to the dark times of before.
Do: Try to be polite
The difficulty with a neighbourhood Whatsapp group is that non-compliance or perhaps too much activity can instantly turn you into a social pariah. This isn’t what anyone should strive to do.Always, politely decline if you’re invited and have a good excuse ready. This could be along the lines of:
- “Sorry I need my phone available for work”
- “What’s Whatsapp? I don’t use that”
- “I’m going mobile-free for a few months”
- “I’m already in the group” or “I already gave my details to [neighbour]”
- “GROUP! YOU DIDN’T INVITE ME BEFORE? WELL, IT’S A BIT LATE TELLING ME ABOUT THAT NOW! GOOD DAY!”
- “I’m already in the super-secret group that no-one’s allowed to talk about… I’ve said too much. Got to go.”
- “Following advice from Julian Assange and Edward Snowden, I only use Signal because I’m afraid that the US authorities are keeping track of my online shopping orders.”
- “Mark Zuckerberg banned me from all Facebook products including WhatsApp.”
- “You fool, don’t you realise that’s what the 5G elites want you to do! Wake up sheeple!”
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