To me - a British person - the USA is a funny place, on one side very proud of its freedom and liberty and on the other frighteningly conservative whilst still aping the former. However in a society full of terrorists, pro-choice views and Barack Obama how does the concerned conservative of today make sure his/her future Ronald or Nancy Reagan is being fed the right messages?
Luckily the ever enterprising publishing sector in the Land of the Free has answered these prayers with children’s books that put the fun back into fundamental conservatism.
Each of these books are 100 per cent real, have been created without any hint of irony, and can be bought with your good ol’ freedom dollars (freedom isn’t free after all) today. Enjoy:
1. The Tea Party Colouring book
America’s favourite band of wacky, politically motivated historical enactors, are back with a book full of laughs, giggles and Tea Party doctrine.
In this children’s garden of colouring (notice it’s ‘colouring’ and not ‘coloring’) you can colour the American flag, the liberty bell, a bizarre scene where the founding fathers seem to be shouting buzzwords like “freedom of speech” and “liberty” whilst demanding quite forcefully that the scribe sign the document, and much more!
Hours of fun await as you and your whole family as you colour and learn the tea party way. Who knows? Sooner or later your little Paul Revere may soon be chucking all your tea into the river. Although woe betide the child that inevitably decides to apply creative licence and traitorously colours the American flag in with green and purple instead of blue and red.
Also look out for book two where you can colour in Glenn Beck!
2. We Shall Never Forget 9/11 - Vol. II The True Faces of Evil Global Terrorism
Unfortunately volume I was so jam-packed with terrorist colouring fun that there was not enough room to fit it all in one book. However never fear, the publishers knew that kids would be clamouring for more war on terror larks and made a second book. God bless America!
All your favourites are here for you to colour and denounce in the 2 minutes hate. There’s Muammar Gaddafi, Bashir Al Assad and the outgoing Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (his exit is certainly a relief considering how much of ball-ache it is to spell his name). There are also trading cards you can cut-out and collect, featuring a who’s who of world terror including Osama Bin Laden, the Oklahoma City bomber and Julian Assange (Edward Snowden’s card is most likely coming soon).
As if that wasn’t enough, there’s also a copy of a letter sent by Michele Bachmann, Trent Franks and friends that addresses concerns about the influence of the Muslim brotherhood’s planned “civilization jihad”. You know because kids like to colour petition letters from delusional xenophobes.
3. Everything Energy
One day your future freedom lover is going to need to know where all our gasoline, electricity and pollution come from. Well now he/she can learn from the Energy Corporations of the U.S. and the Everything Energy Dino gang. That’s right; big business and delightful anthropomorphic dinosaurs wearing no trousers are going to teach you why sludge and funny fire rocks made from their prehistoric corpses make everything go.
In addition to the colouring fun, you can also learn fantastic facts such as “American energy companies pay $100 million per day of tax revenue to the US Government” or “If hydraulic fracking causes earthquakes they are too small to be felt or be a safety concern”.
But what about all the reported fracking disasters, questions about oil spills and the amount of carbon in the air today? Best not talk about that or Tank Triceratops may have to fuck you up Late Cretaceous Period style.
4. One Nation Under God: A book for little patriots
You love America right? Well what if Junior doesn’t; or at least is only freedom-curious (due to the fact he/she is four and has no concept of nationality). Well never fear, he/she won’t be going to Guantanamo once you’ve read him One Nation Under God: A book for little patriots.
This delightful read - heavily recommended by Patriot Depot, the one stop shop for the upcoming conservative revolution - will teach you how to count using beloved symbols of freedom in a wonderful poetic verse. This is all done using examples such as how many amendments to the US constitution there have been, how many branches of the military there are or how many presidents have been assassinated etc.
The great thing about this book is it’s written by freedom loving American parents, who found that the other books on sale just weren’t patriotic enough for their little patriot and his friends. Being America where freedom of expression is encouraged, they showed some good ol’ can do spirit and published their book so that America’s youth would have something more wholesome and stars and stripesy to read.
After all, if want to learn to count by other means you can always learn to count in Russia you Commie!