God? Is that you insulting my cookery, or am I just hearing voices again?

Having had a lot more time to myself, I have become a fan a few daytime TV programmes. One in particular I have become quite addicted to is the cringe-fest that is Come Dine With Me.

Come Dine With Me follows a simple format where four or five complete strangers take turns over the course of a week to host a dinner party for the others , after which the others score the food, entertainment etc out of ten privately and the highest scoring person wins one thousand pounds. However, things often don’t run smoothly as dishes don’t turn out right and arguments often erupt between the guests, mainly considering the producers and researchers seem to have done their utmost to select a handful of clashing personalities.

The guests usually consist of one or more of the following:

Snide Self Conscious Cunt: This sort of person normally tends to be the bitchiest, although in a subtle way. Expect to see them not doing much to enhance the conversation, before becoming jealous of one of the more gregarious or attractive housemates guests, and then plotting their downfall by giving them low marks for trivial reasons.

Quiet fish-out-of-water: Probably the closest to a normal person you’re going to find on this show as they’re like you, in that they are utterly bemused by antics the other guests are getting up to. Expect to see them agree with everyone or generally keep schtum.

Outrageous obnoxious twat: This one normally will have the programme researcher rubbing his/her hands with glee, and saying to him/herself “looks like we’ve got a show!” As this is the person who has to tell everyone what he/she is thinking right now; will turn up wearing fancy dress or will excuse blatent rudeness by arrogantly claiming “I’m just telling you the truth,” like a true bastard. Abandon all hope quieter guests as you will never get a word in edgeways, which might be a good thing as if you DID draw attention to yourself you could become the target of the twat’s antics. Remember this person has no sense of being wrong, so you will never be able to defeat them. Just retreat, and focus instead on the floppy soufflĂ©, which the current host has attempted but failed to make work.

Snooty Tosspot: The guest at the party who is never satisfied with the food on offer. On one hand they might be the sort of person who refuses to eat anything other than chips all their life, so are baffled when a roasted shank of lamb with garlic and rosemary jus, dauphinoise potatoes, mange tout, and sugarsnap peas, tossed with shallots is sat in front of them. On the other they might be a food connoisseur, who points out every flaw with the food. Either that or they generally think they’re too good to associate with the human flotsam they’ve been arranged to dine with, and will make everyone’s life a misery for it.

The Drunk: To be fair any of these previously listed guests could turn into The Drunk at any point in the night. Expect to see this one drink an inordinate amount of the wine at the party, and probably most of the wine they brought with them, before making an utter tit of themselves. Maybe they will just sex pester one of the other guests, or maybe they’ll just start lurching around and fall over the table, either way expect to be watching through your fingers if they really get going.

I suppose you can’t blame the production for trying to spice up the show a bit to make it more entertaining by throwing in a few obnoxious arseholes, after all it’s part of the reason I enjoy watching it, but it just makes you think to yourself: “God reality’s rather boring isn’t it, you kind of need someone who’s a total arse to liven things up a bit.”

However, the show makers have an ace up their sleeve in the shape of the sarcastic and sanctimonious narrator of the show Dave Lamb. Dave doesn’t like anyone or anything on the show and will always do his utmost to make the contestants look silly. He might make a passing undermining comment on something small like one of the hosts putting a pinch of salt in their dish saying, “I didn’t realise salt was the main ingredient.” Or he will lie in wait for the host to make a mistake – which being human they are almost certain to – before lambasting them for it shouting something like: “Geoff, look what you’ve done! You’ve let the chicken burn. I hope the guests like the taste of charcoal”.

It’s a good thing there isn’t an uncensored version of this show as otherwise I could see it turning into this: “You’ve gone and put too much brandy in the fucking pudding you cunt! You really are an useless bastard, you can’t even make a simple tiramisu! It’s a good thing I’m a blood voice-over, as if I got my hands on you I would boot you up the arse so hard for that! God!!”

Dave Lamb is the voice-overs equivalent of the annoying kid at school who repeats everything you say in a stupid voice. If you could hear him following you, you would eventually want to grab him by the scruff of the neck and beat his face in until your hand was raw. Luckily the poor unsuspecting stars of the show don’t have to deal with his twattery directly, remaining seemingly oblivious. This makes him seem almost like the voice of God, and in some ways I can imagine God watching humanity with the same mocking distain, muttering to himself: “Oh look at that the Israelis and the Palestinians have cocked up the peace deal again, Looks like the Israeli charm wins through again.”He may be a loving God but he is indeed a sarcastic God.

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