I wish today to talk about an evil. It’s not a conventional evil such as terrorism or paedophilia, or anything else the red top tabloids whip up panic about normally. No in fact it is one man, well whether he can be called a man or not is up for debate. I am of course talking about Ronald “Big Mac” McDonald, the McDonald’s corporation’s symbol of terror and authority.
Now while it might be true that he looks innocent enough, after all he is a clown and seems too much of a fool to be any threat, but remember the devil is able to take many forms. Why have rants about Ronald McDonald you may ask? Well I’ve been studying this crafty character for a couple of weeks now, and have managed to build a damning case against him from his portrayals in adverts.
First of all he is guilty of stealing children from their homes, and seemingly luring them to his headquarters (McDonalds naturally). What will he do with them when he’s got them there? Well I’m sure it doesn’t take a huge guess as it’s probable that he fattens them up, while getting them to spend all their pocket money on his paltry produce. Don’t believe me? Well an ad from the late 80s, shows Ronald turning up outside a child’s home, in his tumbledown car and carts the kids off to McDonalds for a slap up feast of fun and saturated fats, with the slogan “Ronald McDonald has time for you”. I should also add there are no parents around in this ad, and I’m dubious as to why the kids decide to get into a stranger’s car. Notice how the adve… I mean propaganda encourages them to see Ronald as a surrogate father figure. The slogan “Ronald McDonald has time for you” seems to imply that kids if neglected by their parents should simply turn to him instead. In short, it looks as if he’s turning our kids against us, the fiend!
However, there’s more and it goes beyond just the kids, and lord knows I wish it stopped at them. Another ad shows a group of anthropomorphic Chicken McNuggets, playing Ronald at basketball. Well sort of. In fact Ronald has made a game of this, as he’s challenged the live McNuggets into seeing if they can dunk themselves in sauce (and thusly preparing themselves for eating, and I have no doubts that they know their fate) and then obligingly offer themselves up, so they can put a smile on some demanding fat child’s face. As this ad shows, Ronald has enslaved an entire species (namely the McNuggets) and brainwashed them into willingly sacrificing themselves for our consumption. And all with a smile on their crinkly bread-crumbed faces. Ronald it would seem is also guilty of genocide (notice my PETA like semantics here).
I for one am slightly suspicious of food which is enthusiastic about jumping into my mouth. I mean if I was to hunt, kill and eat something, which put up a bit of a fight at least I’d have some respect for it. But with this there’s no integrity, and it wouldn’t at all surprise me if Ronald had spun some lies about them being awarded 70 virgins in heaven (that is assuming that McNuggets reproduce sexually). I generally prefer my food not to talk back too.