2018 News Hierarchy


It's nearly 2018! As we count down to the end of 2017, a year that didn't have to try very hard after the dismal 2016 and yet still turned out to be disappointing somehow, we can cast our minds forwards to what's in store for the next year.

I've been having a think of how the news cycle in our age of fake news, pretend outrage and other tiresome buzzwords everyone repeats due to a lack of imagination or interest with the topics at hand, might look in the coming year. Also the internet loves predictive lists in December and listacles are really easy to write.

So here's how I think the hierarchy of news could look in 2018 going from most important to utter rubbish:

  • Real news - Wars, explosions, coups, political corruption, beloved celebrity turns out to be massive bell end prolific sex offender etc.

  • Sport - Almost real news, at least involves something happening.

  • An influential person says something they shouldn't - Whoops someone wasn't thinking there, guess we better cover that. I'm sure they'll issue a feeble apology and will probably think better of it in the future (This does not apply to Boris Johnson or Donald Trump)

  • Royal Weddings - Because they sells a ton of papers or ads and everyone seems to be captivated by it.

  • Gobshite looking for attention says something horribly offensive - See Katie Hopkins or Morrissey. Seriously, just ignore them and hopefully they'll go away! Stop writing about it as if it's a shock, it's predictable at best.

  • Gobshite doesn't like a thing everyone likes - Are you really surprised considering they are a gobshite. Stop giving them attention!

  • A person you never heard of did a thing - Pah! Millennials right? With their fidgitstergrams! Get off my lawn!

  • Z list celebrity is signed to appear on reality TV show - One of three reactions necessary: Who? Him/Her? or I thought they were dead?!

  • Gobshite appears on reality TV - Look! Enough! Stop giving these people an audience!

  • That TV show did a controversial thing - Rinse and repeat every bloody year until we end up with some bizarre story involving Britain's first human octopus on-screen kiss.

  • Charity campaign goes viral with memey photo sharing thing- Hope whatever it is somehow never reaches you by isolating yourself from social media until it fizzles out.

  • Playground commentary - Footballers wife has tell all story or speculation about the love life of members of the Loose Women panel sourced from "a friend of the family". 

  • Gogglebox commentary - I'm still waiting for where they get Goggleboxers to watch old episodes of Gogglebox and comment on that before taking it to the next level of having Goggleboxers watching Goggleboxers watching Gogglebox.

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